Friday, 29 August 2014

Home time.


I thought I'd just quickly explain why I left in more detail/ give an update on the illness as people keep asking me about it. The diagnosis was Staphylococcus aureus, a gram-positive coccal bacterium. It was getting progressively worse to the point where I just didn't want to move from my hostel room because every time I moved my legs, they ached and I was so scared of spreading the infection even more if I got bitten again, scratched it and got an open wound - this was how they all started. I had eight of them, and they were all purple and yuck! There's another picture of them now, they're all mainly better after a week of antibiotics.

Being home is just dull. Read the article that just sums up everything called 'The hardest part of travelling nobody talks about'.

'The sad part is once you’ve done your obligatory visits for being away for a year; you’re sitting in your childhood bedroom and realize nothing has changed. You’re glad everyone is happy and healthy and yes, people have gotten new jobs, boyfriends, engagements, etc., but part of you is screaming don’t you understand how much I have changed? And I don’t mean hair, weight, dress or anything else that has to do with appearance. I mean what’s going on inside of your head. The way your dreams have changed, they way you perceive people differently, the habits you’re happy you lost, the new things that are important to you. You want everyone to recognize this and you want to share and discuss it, but there’s no way to describe the way your spirit evolves when you leave everything you know behind and force yourself to use your brain in a real capacity, not on a written test in school. You know you’re thinking differently because you experience it every second of every day inside your head, but how do you communicate that to others?'

Not many people know this as I don't talk about it much, but I have depression & a BPD, and this is one of the main reasons I travel so much. I have an inability to face routine, I just melt into a pit of sadness. I always have to be busy and active and have people around me - which is exactly what travelling is. Although I travel alone, I am never actually alone. I don't need people to be talking to me, I just need the presence of other people. 

My BPD is the main reason I'm in a house with 14 people I've never met this year at uni. The whole housing process caused a lot of arguments in our kitchen, and I was just very stressed and wanted to remove myself from the situation, so told everyone I'd find my own place. I am awful at maintaining friendships, I just get into an odd mood and decide to cut people out even though I know I need them around. It's a stupid and vicious cycle. 

So, being back home and sitting in my bedroom alone is very hard and scary for me to do because over my holiday, I forgot what sadness felt like, something I thought would never happen. But I can honestly say, hand on my heart, that I was the happiest I have been in years. Travelling also helps me through the months as it gives me something to look forward to. Mums been watching over me since I've been back and making sure I set myself things to do in the day so I don't just spend it lying in bed... I have written 2 articles for my university paper and sorted out photos, ordered quilt covers for uni & been to several parties. I am planning things to do for the upcoming week to ensure my schedule is kept full. I am just really looking forward to going back to university to learn more as that helps to keep me busy so long as I am happy and have the ability to focus.

I can't wait for my next adventure. 

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