Wednesday, 1 July 2015

The hardest goodbyes.

Leaving for a long trip and not knowing whether you'll return to the friendly face that has always been in your life is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. This is especially true when the person tries to ignore the sad fact that they are dying. Tonight I drove to my nans to say goodbye. She has recently been diagnosed with cancer and is rapidly going downhill. She struggles to walk now and constantly feels under the weather and in pain. It is so hard for me to see, and even harder to know that there's a chance she may pass away whilst I'm travelling. It breaks my heart because she has always been there with us - she used to come on a lot of our holidays and she's the only grandparent I truly got to know. She is the only one I have left, and watching her play with her great-grandchild, and her face light up to hear there's more on the way, made my heart physically ache. As I drove away tonight I had to clutch my chest as it was in actual pain.

I was crying so hard as I felt the hard reality hit me. Even whilst I am away, experiencing a new life, new people, and a new world, life back home continues. There is nothing I can do to stop it, or slow it down. I can't change a thing and it hurts like hell. I want to be there for her, but I know she would want me pursuing my dreams too. I just hope the pain subsides and she can hold on. I'm not ready to let go yet. There's still so much more she has to teach me.

The other goodbye that made me cry today was to my niece, Madison, and my sister, Charlotte. They came down from Canada as a surprise for my mother. She was supposed to visit them last week, but because of my nans illness, she couldn't go as she wanted to be there for her. Of course she was gutted to miss seeing my sister and her grandchild, and so my dad surprised my mum. We tricked her into thinking she was having to collect my younger sisters Canadian friend Alison (who was actually arriving the same day too), till my sister walked through the gate. She was so shocked she immediately burst into tears.

Having Madison here has been absolutely wonderful. I get to see her the least out of my family members as I'm too busy with a desire to explore the rest of the world to return to a place that I lived for a whole year in Canada. It's great that now she's two and a half, she knows what I'm talking about. She can communicate with me and feels more like a real person. I have never smiled more than around her when she is in one of her cute and playful moods. I will really miss her. Trying to explain to a child that you won't see them again for at least a year (if I'm lucky), is very difficult. She didn't understand that I was saying bye for a long time, she thought I was just going to bed.

Charlotte and I have got along too for a change, so that goodbye was also difficult. She is currently pregnant again and it breaks my heart that I won't be there for the pregnancy, or see my niece/ nephew for such a long time. I just have to wish her the best and pray that she and her children stay safe.

I suppose I do find some happiness in the fact that even though my nan, one of the most important to me, may be leaving this world soon.... There will be a new person entering. Of course they will never replace her, but it appears life is a circle. I deeply believe she will forever be watching over me, and smiling down on my achievements, and I will carry that joy with me wherever in the world I go.

No comments:

Post a Comment